Humor

These are some jokes that people have sent me from the internet. Please feel free to send more as Norman Cousins has said, "Laughter is the best medicine."


MILDRED
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was very upset over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


BRA SIZES
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't Figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

A - Almost Boobs.....
B - Barely there.....
C - Can't Complain!
D - Damn!.....
DD - Double damn!.....
E - Enormous!.....
F - Fake......


MEN ARE

  1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
  2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain AND bought jewelry!
  3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  4. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
  5. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
  6. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
  7. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
  8. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
  9. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
  10. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
  11. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie The Way We Were twice...voluntarily.
  12. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I got this outrageously insightful look at men with the following non-attribution: "Woman Author Unknown."


THE 13 RULES OF LIFE

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move...and it should, use WD-40. If it moves ...and it shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them!

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to use the restroom.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.


GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT WOMEN

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
— Helen Hayes (at 73)
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
— Janette Barber
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
— Lily Tomlin
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
— Carrie Snow
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
— Laurie Kuslansky
++++++++++++++++++++++++
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the
top bunk bed until I faint.
— Erma Bombeck
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
— Bette Davis
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
— Rhonda Hansome
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
— Jane Sellman
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
— Charlotte Whitton
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
— Jennifer Unlimited
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
— Catherine
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
— Kathy Buckley
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
— Dolly Parton
+++++++++++++++++++++++
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
— Sue Grafton
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on.
— Roseanne Barr
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
— Elayne Boosler
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
— Maryon Pearson
++++++++++++++++++++++++
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man — if you want anything done, ask a woman.
— Margaret Thatcher
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
— Gloria Steinem
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
— Eleanor Roosevelt


ANDY ROONEY ON OLDER WOMEN
Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
  • An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
    "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
  • If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
    whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
  • An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what
    she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
  • Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
  • Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
  • An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
  • An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
  • Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
  • An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
  • Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone.
  • Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger cousin could never dream of.
  • Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
  • Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

ANDY ROONEY


MORE WOMEN JOKES

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID
IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE
IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE
MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME,YOU WILL NOT WIN !
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN


WOMEN

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

 They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
  
They fight for what they believe in.
  
They stand up for injustice.
  
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
  
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
  
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
  
They love unconditionally.
  
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
  
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
  
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
  
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no
strength left.
  
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all SIZES, in all colors and shapes.
  
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
  
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!   
Women do more than just give birth.
  
They bring joy and hope.
  
They give compassion and ideals.
  
They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

 

FIGHTING TERROR
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan & let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their wicked forsaken terrain.

Sincerely,

The Mature Women of the United States


 

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©copyright Dixie Mills, MD, 2006-2010